Fact #51

Expectation will distract you into over-thinking, which paralyzes you.

One day, an ant asked a centipede how he always knew which leg he had to move next.  The centipede, perplexed by the question, responded, "Oh...I don't know.  I just always did it."  Afterward, the centipede began thinking so hard about the question, he couldn't walk anymore.

This was a little fable included in Wiersbe's book (On Being a Servant of God, in case you forgot) that gave me pause.  I am that centipede.  And that makes me squirm, because I hate centipedes.

When I was a kid, I thought the only thing you could die from was old age.  I was watching the news at my babysitter's house; I liked to play "grown up," thinking all grown ups carried briefcases and watched the news, and that was the extent of their day.  That night, one of the top stories was a shooting that happened in Green Bay, and a child died having stumbled into it.  In my five year old world, the only violence I understood was the acrobatics the Power Rangers used, or what gravity inflicts when tree climbing.  "Kimmy...the news is lying.  Kids don't die.  It's not their time yet."

Her face went grim.  "Ashley, honey, unfortunately kids do die sometimes.  Bad people do bad things.  That man shot those people."  I frowned hard at this.  "But that's dumb.  People shouldn't shoot people."  And then Kimmy said something that may have been too difficult for a five year old to reason with.  "Well, he was a very angry man.  But sometimes people have to do it for protection.  Your dad's a cop, and he has to shoot people sometimes."

The a lens on my rose-colored glasses cracked.  Daddy shoots people but he protects people but why do other people have to get shot to protect those people because sometimes people make mistakes and maybe if you just put them in a time out they won't do it again but does daddy need to go in a time out for doing his job?


My mind was reeling with this new understanding (or lack thereof).  It wasn't fair, in any sense, and I refused to change my mind.  I started getting angry when the news was on because I didn't want to have to see more death.  The majority of men in my family have served in the armed forces, and I suddenly couldn't trust them.  "What would you do," challenged by dad and my grandfather over dinner one night, "if someone was going to stab you to death, but you had a gun.  And you could shoot them and get away safely?"  I shook my head rapidly (I was around eight at this point), "No.  I can't.  They're still a person.  I don't know why they were going to stab me."  They began listing off a few things that could happen, but I couldn't let myself budge.  "No.  Not fair.  I can't.  They might change."

Of course, as aging occurs, you become more jaded and frustrated.  Thing's aren't so black and white.  Lately, though, I feel like being at seminary is forcing me to "re-grow up," almost as if my childhood didn't cover basic understandings of life.  Well, except sex.  Being in the U.S., I could have been born blind and deaf and still known what sex was.

Through all this re-growth, I am still head butting the same issue: anger and violence.  I feel like my understanding of things always fails to penetrate those concepts.  I'm meeting people who won't hunt, because it's "violent to the Earth," and feel it is a step back from the stewardship we are called as Christians to do.  Conversely, I also go to class with an ex-Marine, who is very much into justice and protection.  Heck, Allen just inherited all of his dad's guns (which still make me jump when they make that sharp clacky sound when he opens and closes them, whatever that's called) and wants to teach me how to shoot.

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was love people and be friends with everyone.  I also wanted to be a detective, but that was just because I really liked puzzles, not necessarily for the Dick Tracy-esque action attached.  Then, however, I expected everyone to reciprocate.  I conducted myself in a particular way to emote a preconceived response.  I was kid, my understanding didn't go any deeper.  But now that's the trouble.  I know that I should love unconditionally and act accordingly regardless of that, but I still want people to do exactly what I expect them to.  When they don't, I become increasingly frustrated.

This week I've been realizing that I have no problem loving people I don't know.  It's the people I have relationships with that I have the hardest time serving.  If figure that, because they know me, or should, at least, than they should know how to treat me.  Especially if I know them to be Christians.  It's almost like there are levels to my expectation: the more you claim, the more I expect.  But I'm beginning to think that grace cannot function where earthly expectation dwells.  And that really bites, because essentially this means I am not as graceful of a person as I thought I was.

Where do you see God working?

In my head, sorting my thoughts.

What do you hear God saying?

"Thank you for making time this morning.  Let's do it again.  Soon."

How do you see God working?

Calmingly feeding me understanding, bit by bit.

Fact #50

“As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.” -Thoreau
                                             
A Thoreau quote seemed fitting for the setting I am in currently.  I'm sitting in the dining room, comforted by the quiet company of Cassy and Allen, Gregory Alan Isakov playing faintly in the background.  Nothing exciting happened today, nothing adventurous planned for tonight.  Just homework and cocoa.
  
I think, when we look forward, we often expect the future to be epic and romanticized; if it's not, we've somehow failed God's "purpose" for us.  We become wrapped up in our imagination so much that we begin rejecting reality.  Reality becomes the enemy, rather than a realm in which we see God work.           
But right now, in this moment, I'm incredibly content.  It's relieving.          
          
Where do you see God working?

Comforting me in this moment.

What do you hear God saying?

"You're going to be okay."

How do you see God working?

Unsure yet.  He seems to simply be allowing me to savor this moment.

Fact #49

Apology gifts should, in my opinion, be based on inside jokes.


I bought Allen a calendar.  He received the brunt of my frustration on Friday where is was not completely deserved (though he has conceded to having contributed to a portion of the problem).  Regardless, The Oatmeal created a 2012 calendar entitled 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth (And Other Useful Guides) and I knew it had to be his.

Next, I wrapped it in giant coloring pages, mainly because coloring is therapeutic, but also because I am finding fewer and fewer places to store a Princess and the Frog coloring book the size of a refrigerator door.

When he arrived at the apartment, true to form, he had presents of his own (chocolate and a Quillow his aunt made for me).  He loved the calendar, though his first response to the coloring page-wrapping paper was, "But we're not black."  And it was with those words that I knew everything was back to normal.

I apologize that these are short; I haven't been feeling very deeply introspective as of late.  I feel like God's been simplifying my life a lot, almost so the things I have to concern myself with are the things that are immediately in front of me.  As tense and exhausting as the past week has been, it's kind of relieving.

Where do you see God working?

In our relationship, re-stabilizing. 

What do you hear God saying?

"Not all is lost."

How do you see God working?

Reminding me that, even when I screw up, it doesn't mean he'll take what he's given me away as punishment.

Fact #48

10% of conflicts are due to difference of opinion and 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.


I've decided I have anger issues.  I panic easily, and within that panic, I respond in anger.

I really don't even feel like re-hashing what happened.  It's been talked about, resolved...about four times now.  Essentially, all you need to know is that I screwed up, and now I'm on the lookout for a good psychologist.  I think I inherited a lot of bad habits our family got into.  What I know is this: I do not want to be dragging those things into my future.  It's too precious to me.

Where do you see God working?

In my heart.

What do you hear God saying?

"Enough."

How do you see God working?

Bringing to sharp relief things I'm falling short on.  Anger is my iniquity. 

Fact #47

God never lets you forget your true yearnings.


I think I was going to write about something snarky and intellectual, but God isn't letting me, so here we go.

Last night, while I was working on homework, I got up to make some toast and get my tea.  Pandora was playing my Alexi Murdoch station; you can find his music featured in the film Away We Go.  Then his song "All My Days" came on.

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

My stomach lurched slightly.  I have been missing Allen intensely the past two weeks.  He visits on weekends, and I usually see him on Sundays for church, but every time we have to leave each other, I break down in tears.  It may sound incredibly naive, but through the death of his dad and my grandpa...we've become each other's family.  I know several people who would balk at that idea; we're not married yet, I get it.  But when you both have to watch a family member die...things change.  Christians say sex changes everything, and yeah, not about to debate that, but death does too.  And I would argue that the change is, while not the same, just as intense.  When he leaves the apartment, all feelings of home and belonging leave with him.  And it's not something that can be recreated with a few game nights and study parties.

So I was in the kitchen, and those lyrics wafted in, gripping my heart and twisting my stomach.  I set my toast down and set my hands on the countertop.  

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it's coming into sight

Immediately, my stomach filled with butterflies as I had a flash of vision that I can't explain as being an imagined thought.  Nothing fancy, no intense color or seraphim...just a family, two parents, four kids, sitting in their living room, reading and playing a board game.  The thing that stuck was a feeling of intense warmth and fulfillment.  I fell to my knees in the middle of the kitchen, head bowed, hands clasped, eyes brimming.  "God, if that is meant for me, thank you," was all I could utter.  And to my core I felt I was answered.

As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

Where do you see God working?

I really don't know currently.  All I want is to be married at this point, but we can't afford to.  We've been trying to focus on the joy of being able to continue to grow, but it's getting harder and harder the busier and farther apart we get.

What do you hear God saying?

"You're throwing out what's good for you.  Stop.  Go back."

How do you see God working?

Patience.  Always patience.  Not a fan.

Fact #46

Play should never be sacrificed to the mirage of adulthood.

While the rest of our friends are getting married, starting families, solidifying careers...my roommates and I decided our main concern was finding the perfect apartment pet.  Enter Ralph:

Cassy texted me last night and asked what I would do if she brought home a bunny.  My response?  "DO IT."

So she did.  So today, Ralph and I decided to have a photo shoot.

I can't get over how adorable he is.  Screw becoming a cat lady.  Bunny lady all the way.

Dr. Price said he believes we don't play in ministry enough.  He's a huge into learning new games from people.  "Everyone likes to burst in through the front door of ministry.  I prefer the side door.  It's usually by the kitchen."  I couldn't agree more.

I've found more and more lately that it is so easy to lose our playful nature.  We become jaded, frustrated with the consistent struggle of providing for ourselves and upholding responsibilities.  How much of the work we put upon ourselves in necessary, though?  A lot of ministry we do is in the day to day, not in the huge events we prepare, the sermons we write, or the people we correct.  It's in the play.  

So I play.

Where do you see God working?

In my understanding of the function of money.

What do you hear God saying?

"Take only what you need.  Don't go overboard.  It'll trap you."

How do you see God working?

Keeping me from jobs that'll take precedence over daily ministry and preparation for ministry.  Providing the bare minimum so I learn how to function with the essentials.  Throwing me a few small diversions to remind me simple is brilliant. 

Fact #45

Redemption is not pitted against creation.


I've been really proud of myself lately.  I haven't brought my laptop to a single class (a habit that took a lot of willpower to break out of) and have actually felt myself grasping concepts I never could before.  My lack of computer usage, however, has also made my notes look like this:

The pictures, I suppose, stimulate my brain more and keep me awake...and some of them actually have to do with class, but when you catch yourself drawing suicidal leaves in fall and Jesus as Super Baby complete with cape...

Oy.

A couple of classes ago, we were talking about the doctrine of creation.  Essentially, we were discussing what the point of creation was, if people were beginning to think that salvation/redemption was for abolishing what God created.  Many are under the impression (based on a few off-campus discussions I've had) that God created a perfect world, Adam and Eve screwed it up, we were left to a crappy version of it, Jesus came to give us hope of the day in which he would come back, get his followers, blow it up, then make a new one.  Because of this understanding, people then assume that the laws and commandments we have had for centuries are also corrupt, so through Jesus we no longer have to follow them.

Of course, if you were to argue, "So we're allowed to murder now, eh?  Good, that librarian was a right wen-" they would slap you upside the head and send you to the nearest psychiatric ward.  Question their own sins (lust, dishonesty, pride, sloth, etc) and they offer that they are free through Christ's sacrifice.  Seems a bit like hypocrisy.  To clarify, I'm certainly not suggesting it's kosher to go around murdering people because we'll be forgiven via proper repentance.

Romans 6:15-20


What then?  Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace?  By no means!  Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.  I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations.  For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.


The habit people get into, I think, is qualifying sin by comparing it to sin.  "This is all going up in flames eventually anyway, so my sin isn't so bad...it's not breaking the law, at least."  What they don't realize is that it's eating away at them, and they won't recognize true salvation until they give that over to Christ.  Salvation, from my experience, is a continual process, not a singular moment.  Some may have a "conversion experience," as I had, but none of us will be perfect, devoid of sin complete, until God is finished with us.  And recognizing our natures, that'll take...just short of forever.


The Law was not abolished through Jesus, but rather given to man as a tool to recognize his own frailty and perversion.  God never made a "sin pyramid" for us to function within the limits of, purity is not something easy to come by, but that doesn't mean we should allow both understandings to render us complacent.


Where do you see God working?
Through my online class, lately.  Really hammering a lot of understandings I could never grasp before.


What do you hear God saying?
"Don't allow others' pride to bait you into your own."


How do you see God working?
Rapidly, wonderfully, now that I'm open to it.

Fact #44

It's easy to underestimate who God made you to be.


I retreat, and very quickly.  Like a cowardly ninja.

Upon my arrival to seminary I was extremely exited...and petrified.  The idea of my ignorance being revealed is possibly my greatest fear.  I am no brilliant theologian, nor am I advanced in years to credit any "wisdom" I may happen upon and luckily regurgitate in some eloquent fashion.  This idea fastened itself soundly to my heart as I met others in my classes who, now thinking about it, could have very well been worried about the same things.  But in my clouded lens, they all appeared to be intellectual adversaries of whom I had to conquer...one by one...systematically, and with a reassuring "Christian" smile.

In confessing my fears to Allen, Janèe, Dougal, and others, they reassured me that, while others may be stuck in their doctrine, argue and condemn, look down on the younger student (i.e. me), that God put me here for a reason, that honesty is all I could offer, and that it was up to me to then be honest rather than "right," whatever that looked like.

So I set mind and focused on being just that: honest, not "right."  I continued on with my studies, and instead of balking at an idea I would receive that would be contrary to a strongly promoted idea of one of my peers, I would offer it, humbly, but honestly.  And if I saw another student's idea that I found compelling, I would tell them so and thank them for it, whether I agreed with it in the end or not.  It's an intimidating place to be, where they ask you to send your very soul's conviction into a ring of others', seeing which survive.  Some people have grown up with a very specific, laid out foundation; I was lucky enough to have to create one myself, via trail and error.  Thank God the Spirit led me to solid people and convictions.

Somehow, in the process of learning how to do this, today someone told me I actually changed their way of thinking about some pretty hefty theological reasoning.  My mouth fell open; this man had run the Bible college odyssey, was a fair bit older than me, and had a thorough knowledge of theologians and their claims.  It would not have surprised me if he could have performed the entire Bible as a theatrical monologue.  And he was telling me that I changed his thinking.  God is showing me how to listen, so his message can be spoken through me.  Wow.

Needless to say, things are looking up.

Where do you see God working?
In my time; He's making me more and more aware of how I'm spending it, pushing me to get things done way ahead of time so I can actually enjoy the free time He is blessing me with.

What do you hear God saying?
"Wait.  Rest.  Restore."

How do you see God working?
Giving me motivation, running alongside me, highlighting exactly what I need to see, and, in doing so, making homework an exciting task, of all things.

Fact #43

I need more canvas.


I am running out of surfaces I'm allowed to paint on.  It's not like I'm making priceless works of art; I do this for catharsis.  Compared to what a lot of my friends are capable of painting, my results look like I had a seizure.  That's what I get for having art majors for friends.  Oy.  Vey.

But again, I do it because I know it's not something I can perfect.  Acting, sure, because God has revealed to me that it is something He has gifted me.  Painting, probably not.  But that's what makes it vulnerable, and genuine, and raw.  It's not a performance, I can't gloss over a mistake.  It's like it's my brokenness is being made tangible and now I have to confront it and pray over it.

I definitely need more canvas.

Where do you see God working?
I feel like he's closing a lot of doors, and waiting for me to fully turn away from them before he opens the new ones.

What do you hear God saying?
"That chapter is done.  Turn around, beloved."

How do you see God working?
As I let go of each thing one by one, he's allowing me to live more fully where he has put me, i.e. at seminary. 

Fact #42

Truth is Truth.


I had a friend ask me a question.  I did not immediately know the answer, but suggested we ask my pastor. Her response was, "Right...but he's pretty conservative being Southern Baptist, right?"

At the time, I had no retort, no witty response or wise counsel.  I nodded dumbly and changed the subject.  And that was fairly cowardly of me.

Truth is truth, God is all truth, and I certainly don't consider God to be partisan to any sort of political charge.  There is no "liberal" or "conservative" truth.  We can't brand it, manipulate it, or assign it.  Doing so keeps it from being what it is.  And if it is no longer truth, then the argument becomes moot...that is to say...no longer fact.

I had a high school teacher tell me once that it was foolish to argue about facts.  At the time, I didn't understand her advice.  It didn't make sense that anyone would argue about something that was obviously true or false.  But this is where Satan thrives.  Suddenly, what is black and white he makes grey.  And not just a few things.

You'll notice it with some people.  They'll start off the strongest of Christians, maybe not so gifted in tact, but always passionate.  Then, after awhile, they fall into a routine...don't read their Bible as often, go to church most of the time...maybe join a small group with an interesting topic.  I'm guilty of this, I'm describing a lot of my past behavior.  But, given enough time, they haven't been in a strong routine of accountability, study, or worship.  And then a few concepts become grey.  Lying...totally acceptable if it's for the "greater good."  Lust...fine if it's just a thought.  Marriage...not so sacred.  Bible...less inspired than previously thought.  Jesus...probably more human than God.

A few of you may be thinking, "Yeah...way to hop up on that soapbox."  I'm not attempting to jump from one conclusion to another.  You would genuinely be surprised as to how many times I have seen this pattern occur.  It starts off with a tiny little thread.  Then they pick and pick and pick...until their whole understanding of faith is unravelled.

Questioning is not wrong.  Being lukewarm is scarier than being cold; at least when you're cold towards faith you know dang well where you stand.  But when it comes to the point of not wanting to hear truth because you can no longer recognize it, even when its straight from the scripture you profess to believing...we have a problem.

Pray for my patience.

Where do you see God working?
In my heart, giving me courage to speak up where I see false teaching.

What do you hear God saying?
"Trust me.  I will tell you.  Listen and trust."

How do you see God working?
I feel like I'm being trained for a spiritual marathon.  It's just one thing after another, lately.  I love that my friends feel they can come to me, but...I'm not God.

Fact #41

"Your heart grows by giving out, but your mind grows by taking in." -Warren W. Wiersbe


I know I haven't featured Wiersbe's book (our textbook for this class) here much at all, but arriving to Chapter 19 I finally found myself nodding emphatically and wanting to take the man to coffee.

1) He praises Thoreau.  Anyone who sees the merits of that man is a friend in my book.

2) He breaks down the "large library" myth.  If you know me, you know that I have dreamed of my future library since I was exposed to Beauty and the Beast.  All of you know what scene I'm talking about.  The Beast opens up huge double-doors inside the castle, revealing an enormous, dark room.  Keeping Belle's eyes covered, he begins opening curtains, revealing domed ceilings with towers of books reaching all the way to the top.  And of course, when she is allowed to look, her mouth drops open, just as mine does every time.

Now, granted, I know there is no way I'll ever be able to afford even the acreage to cover a room to that scale, but I do have a fairly formidable urban-sized version planned.  And after reading this chapter, I realized it contained books I probably wouldn't touch after reading them, or half-reading them.  I'd tell myself Allen or the kids (someday) will find use of them...someday.  But that's a habit of mine.  I pack-rat things away, thinking I'll use them as costumes or props too...but of course that never happens.  If I do another show, I know God will provide us with the necessary materials.  He doesn't want me to live burdened by bulk.  And...as much as it kills me to say...an unnecessarily large library, even though trendy, may be more trouble than it's worth if not built with great consideration.

3) As Robert Murray M'Cheyne states, "Beware of the classics.  True, we ought to know them; but only as chemists handle poison--to discover their qualities, not to infect their blood with them."  Yes, it is wonderful to find merit in a large selection of books, but some, as he describes, "aren't the best tools in your hands."  He hardly suggests that you are not smart enough to read certain books; more of facing the reality that some things resonate with you more than they will others.

I realize this isn't a revolutionary idea, but I certainly never applied it myself.  I praised the classics without actually thoroughly reading through them myself.  I love Pride & Prejudice....the movie.  I could read The Old Man and the Sea a million times...so long as I'm in a coffee shop.  I've been planning to read The Kite Runner...for three years.

I would read anything someone tossed my way, especially in ministry.  And when asked, especially in leader meetings, what we "got out of it," I would totally make something up, usually something I read in another book.  Luckily no one asked me for a page number...and now I'm wondering if it's because a few of them were doing the same thing.

I have been worshipping intellect and presumptuous book collecting for a long time without considering what I actually like.  That ends today.  But to be honest, I'll probably watch Pride & Prejudice first.

Where do you see God working?
In my head, today.

What do you hear God saying?
"Be diligent in your work this morning.  I have things to show you."
Okay...so no Jane Austen today.  Check.

How do you see God working?
We'll see.  Unsure yet.