Fact #47

God never lets you forget your true yearnings.


I think I was going to write about something snarky and intellectual, but God isn't letting me, so here we go.

Last night, while I was working on homework, I got up to make some toast and get my tea.  Pandora was playing my Alexi Murdoch station; you can find his music featured in the film Away We Go.  Then his song "All My Days" came on.

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it's just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

My stomach lurched slightly.  I have been missing Allen intensely the past two weeks.  He visits on weekends, and I usually see him on Sundays for church, but every time we have to leave each other, I break down in tears.  It may sound incredibly naive, but through the death of his dad and my grandpa...we've become each other's family.  I know several people who would balk at that idea; we're not married yet, I get it.  But when you both have to watch a family member die...things change.  Christians say sex changes everything, and yeah, not about to debate that, but death does too.  And I would argue that the change is, while not the same, just as intense.  When he leaves the apartment, all feelings of home and belonging leave with him.  And it's not something that can be recreated with a few game nights and study parties.

So I was in the kitchen, and those lyrics wafted in, gripping my heart and twisting my stomach.  I set my toast down and set my hands on the countertop.  

Now I see clearly
It's you I'm looking for
All of my days
Soon I'll smile
I know I'll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it's coming into sight

Immediately, my stomach filled with butterflies as I had a flash of vision that I can't explain as being an imagined thought.  Nothing fancy, no intense color or seraphim...just a family, two parents, four kids, sitting in their living room, reading and playing a board game.  The thing that stuck was a feeling of intense warmth and fulfillment.  I fell to my knees in the middle of the kitchen, head bowed, hands clasped, eyes brimming.  "God, if that is meant for me, thank you," was all I could utter.  And to my core I felt I was answered.

As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It's even breathing
Feels all right

Where do you see God working?

I really don't know currently.  All I want is to be married at this point, but we can't afford to.  We've been trying to focus on the joy of being able to continue to grow, but it's getting harder and harder the busier and farther apart we get.

What do you hear God saying?

"You're throwing out what's good for you.  Stop.  Go back."

How do you see God working?

Patience.  Always patience.  Not a fan.